If I Ran the Parade

By Emily Schleiger, November 29, 2013

The past couple of months have brought a crazy level of busy to our house.  Some good busy, and some bad busy, such as needing to replace our TV and sump pump, and such as Mr. Banks contracting a stomach flu that has prompted a total upsetting of our Thanksgiving holiday.  People, I’m kind of tired of bad surprises, and tired of feeling like I have so little control over my little world.

And then I turn on the TV and see a Michael Bolton Honda commercial.

This is when I’m thankful for a world of imagination.  While semi-disappointedly watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade today I found myself in an escapist daydream.   I fantasized about how it would be if I ran the parade.  Here are my notes:

• No more terrible music.  That translates to no country music, no Bieber look alike/tween music, no Bon Jovi/Goo Goo Dolls/etc., and DEFINITELY no Mannheim Steamroller.  Ughhh.  This is exhausting.  I’d like to see Arcade Fire or Punch Brothers or just any breath of fresh music air.  And no more lip syncing.
• Musicals:  What is this stuff??  If it were up to me, there would be a musical based on a Wes Anderson film, and part of it would be performed in the parade.  As well as a David Bowie Labyrinth musical performance.
• Bands:  Minnesota Gophers Marching Band, playing “Eye of the Tiger.”  One and done.
• Food-themed floats:  Domino Sugar and the Pillsbury Doughboy?  We need that?  No, I’d have a Nutella float, and a Whole Foods float.  The Whole Foods float would distribute various healthy foods to onlookers who appear to be homeless.  This just seems like a win-win-win-win-win-win.
• MC’s:  Matt Lauer and Savannah are okay, but a massive upgrade would be Kermit the Frog with Conan O’Brien.
• Random floats:  The Lorax float, featuring the Lorax, handing out anti-GMO pamphlets to the audience.  A Ghostbusters float, featuring a glowing refrigerator and Slimer. Just because.  And a karaoke float where people from the audience could participate and embarrass themselves–still an improvement over many of the musical acts I observed today.
• Al Roker would be given a small, harmless shock every time he said the word “hashtag” when interviewing some other poor soul.
• And finally, the parade would conclude with the dog show contestants marching in rows.  Not Santa.  Because it’s still Thanksgiving.

Now I feel better.