(This made more sense when I still had a preschooler.)

Top Awesomes Revealed About My Skin

By the experts.

  • “Casper”  –Missouri middle-schoolers
  • “Oh, wow…um, I’ll try to match your skin color but, gosh, your skin is almost translucent.  I mean, there’s almost an absence of color there.”  –woman at a cosmetic counter.  I just wanted foundation.  I got judgment.  Did she want to make a sale or what??
  • “Did we give you any samples?  Oh!  Here, try this eye cream.”  –different woman, different cosmetic counter, different year.  I’m not that old, woman, I just don’t get to sleep that much.
  • “I can’t get all the blackheads.”  –aesthetician at a spa that came highly recommended.  I had a coupon.  I signed up for a facial.  Instead I got a fluorescent bulb in the face, and painful, repetitive “extractions”.  I’m not sure what happened here.  I think she was a perfectionist.  I have pretty clear skin, according to other experts.
  • “Those are age spots.  They can show up in middle age.”  –dermatologist at annual exam, a couple of years ago.  Is 34 middle-aged?  And if freckles are age spots, are the Irish born wise?  I’ve had these “age spots” since I was 5 years old.
  • “I think she’s having a reaction to the epidural.”  –anesthesiologist, at the birth of Girlchild.  Way to talk about me in the 3rd person rather than ask me questions or have a conversation.  “Wait!  No!  That’s a birthmark on my neck, not an allergic reaction!  Please don’t shut off the epidural!”  I yell.  Awkwardness.  Why do birthmarks embarrass people?  Mine is only visible when I haven’t covered it with make-up, you know, like when I’m at the hospital in childbirth.  And it’s on the side of my neck. Get over it, peeps.
  • “Tropicana”  –same mean Missouri middle-schoolers, after I tried to hide being “Casper” with late-’80s self-tanner which was always orange.  So, first my nickname was “Afro”, then I fixed my hair situation, then “Casper”, then I tried to fix my skin situation, then “Tropicana.”  Can you believe one of these assholes tried to friend me on Facebook a couple of years ago?  Does he think I’m Buscemi’s character from “Billy Madison”?  I’m at least 1/4 Irish.  I hold a pretty severe grudge at least 1/4 of the time.
  • “I look like Snooki right now, don’t I?”  –me, recently at a cosmetic counter, trying to get a foundation match again, several hours after having applied an updated version of that ’80s self-tanner, and getting a really weird look from the woman helping me.
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3 Responses to “Top Awesomes Revealed About My Skin”

  1. Meredith L.

    I was once told by a woman at a Saks Fifth Ave cosmetics counter that my skin was “the perfect canvas” for makeup. She actually offered to make me over for free just so she could put makeup on me. And facialists hate me because they have nothing to do.

    Look, I don’t have much to brag about, but one thing I got is good skin. So…yeah. Please don’t hate me.

    Reply
  2. Sue

    This made me laugh. We once had a family portrait done, and they took out the wrinkles around my eyes. I told them it looked like I was at my own wake–put the wrinkles back in! Didn’t realize my wrinkles were so noticeable and that other people thought they were a problem.

    Reply

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