By the experts.
- “Casper” –Missouri middle-schoolers
- “Oh, wow…um, I’ll try to match your skin color but, gosh, your skin is almost translucent. I mean, there’s almost an absence of color there.” –woman at a cosmetic counter. I just wanted foundation. I got judgment. Did she want to make a sale or what??
- “Did we give you any samples? Oh! Here, try this eye cream.” –different woman, different cosmetic counter, different year. I’m not that old, woman, I just don’t get to sleep that much.
- “I can’t get all the blackheads.” –aesthetician at a spa that came highly recommended. I had a coupon. I signed up for a facial. Instead I got a fluorescent bulb in the face, and painful, repetitive “extractions”. I’m not sure what happened here. I think she was a perfectionist. I have pretty clear skin, according to other experts.
- “Those are age spots. They can show up in middle age.” –dermatologist at annual exam, a couple of years ago. Is 34 middle-aged? And if freckles are age spots, are the Irish born wise? I’ve had these “age spots” since I was 5 years old.
- “I think she’s having a reaction to the epidural.” –anesthesiologist, at the birth of Girlchild. Way to talk about me in the 3rd person rather than ask me questions or have a conversation. “Wait! No! That’s a birthmark on my neck, not an allergic reaction! Please don’t shut off the epidural!” I yell. Awkwardness. Why do birthmarks embarrass people? Mine is only visible when I haven’t covered it with make-up, you know, like when I’m at the hospital in childbirth. And it’s on the side of my neck. Get over it, peeps.
- “Tropicana” –same mean Missouri middle-schoolers, after I tried to hide being “Casper” with late-’80s self-tanner which was always orange. So, first my nickname was “Afro”, then I fixed my hair situation, then “Casper”, then I tried to fix my skin situation, then “Tropicana.” Can you believe one of these assholes tried to friend me on Facebook a couple of years ago? Does he think I’m Buscemi’s character from “Billy Madison”? I’m at least 1/4 Irish. I hold a pretty severe grudge at least 1/4 of the time.
- “I look like Snooki right now, don’t I?” –me, recently at a cosmetic counter, trying to get a foundation match again, several hours after having applied an updated version of that ’80s self-tanner, and getting a really weird look from the woman helping me.