Better than Cocaine
All right, all right…I admit I have no clue about the topic as titled above. I am….a nerd. I have not really….experimented too much. When the “Just Say No” campaign tours stopped at my Catholic school in the 80s, I was all ears. Marijuana=the gateway drug? Absolutely. I still have trouble not seeing it as such now, even though I’ve known many “survivors” of weed. 😉 Beyond the gateway drug, I was never offered anything else other than acid. That was in college, and two friends were in the front seat of a car, and offered to split the hit 3 ways. And I said (shaking with fear…this tiny speck would surely cause my instant and irreparable addiction), “Aw, no thanks, I mean, if you split it a third way for me, I can’t imagine you guys would get anything out of your third, so you guys just split it halves-ies and enjoy.” What can I say, I’m a friend who knows how to sacrifice.
Back to the “Just Say No” speakers on campus, circa perhaps 6th grade. One of the few things I distinctly remember is a man saying that he had been a coke addict at some point, and that coke eats away your nasal septum. Thus, he claimed to be able to stuff a handkerchief in one nostril and remove it from the other. That is a pretty graphic scene to be describing to an 11 year old, and it has stuck with me my entire life.
The rest of what I’ve learned about drugs has been from movies. I have noted that coke addicts in movies often have the sniffles and a red nose and perhaps red, watery eyes. Well, and they are pretty excited, happy, and industrious.
Background here: I am allergic to just about everything environmental that can be tested, except cockroaches and feathers (lucky me). I have suffered, to varying degrees, all my life from nasal congestion and sinus infections, and I’ve had to have two sinus surgeries. After the first surgery I asked the coldhearted doc what I could do to prevent needing another surgery. His answer: Neti pot [note: I didn’t use it regularly as advised, therefore I do not hold Doc #1 liable for Surgery #2].
The Neti pot. A small genie-lamp-meets-teapot thing. You fill it with a magical solution of water and…whatever is in those tiny little Neti pot solution packages I buy. You tip it in one nostril and the water pours out the opposite nostril (check out the Official Neti Pot Demo Video), picking up the nasty stuff inside your face on the way out.
Wait a minute….water in one nostril flows out the opposite nostril? I thought only coke heads could pull something like that off? Hmm, I wonder if I could put a hankie in one nostril and pull it out the other? Okay, no. But another similarity between Neti heads and coke heads is the presence of red watery eyes, sometimes red nose, and sniffles. Granted, post-Neti sniffles are due to incomplete expelling of the saline solution, but still–Neti heads and coke heads would appear to have a lot in common.
While I do not get high from the Neti, I do experience the euphoria of taking in a full, clean breath through my nostrils. Ahhhhhhh….I am high on….air. In the process, however, discomfort occurs and frequently I raise my head up from the sink, internal parts of my face burning, eyes red/watery/squinting, and I blow my nose and sniffle and hold my face in pain. AND I am always surprised about when the leftover sinus rinse should decide to exit my nose. I do my best to expel it all, but then I’m at preschool with my head tipped forward/down so I can sign Girlchild in for her class, and SURPRISE! Water gushing from my nose with no warning! So I nervously and ashamedly grab a tissue and wipe/dab my nose before anyone notices and concludes I’m having way more fun than I really am.
The similarities (however imagined) between Neti heads and coke heads slowly occurred to me and since then I’ve become paranoid about anyone observing these similarities. Should anyone look at me funny I have to ‘fess up to being addicted to the Neti. Which is, as you can imagine, none too glamorous. That short-haired chick in the video is not realistic.
The good news is, I can totally stop anytime. Really.
Don't Repeat This in Preschool 
One Response to “Better than Cocaine”
[…] out my sinuses daily with a full glass of a salt-water solution. I have graduated from even the Neti pot and now use a bulb syringe to blast the goo out of my face. I also avoid gardening, because […]